Both of my babies are now in big school all day, five days a week. I was looking forward to having some more time to sort out the house after years of the lived in state it was in. I was looking forward to doing the food shopping alone, working in the day and not having to stay up stupidly late working away on my laptop. I was looking forward to weeing alone and eating what I wanted hot, not having to rush it or eat it cold.
So the day came when they both went to school and I felt OK, I got on with all those things I was looking forward to. But then the honeymoon period came to an end like it does with all things and reality set in that it was just me now in the day, I have no more babies at home.
I’ve been at home with Archie and his sister from the day they were born. I knew from the moment I was pregnant with Archie I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career as head of sixth form , I wanted to cherish every last second.
So to me this is a loss , and the void feels huge. Even though they went to pre school and did three full days a week that was different and the house didn’t feel so empty. I feel them both going to school means I’ve started to loose my babies.
Loosing them in the sense that they are becoming independent , doing most things for themselves in school. Going off in to those doors which seem so big and as I watch them evaporate in to the bigger school setting my heart sinks each day.
I come away from dropping them off to school each day and I feel lost. It feels like I go around all day in a bubble watching the clock for pick up times. I don’t focus , I’m not motivated and I’m just coasting if I’m completely honest. I feel like I’m grieving the early childhood stage , looking back on old memories , longing for one more day of muddy park mornings and afternoon cuddles.
I would give anything right now to go back to those sleep deprived days , the ones where you don’t think your going to get through the day your that tired .. but you do. That first word , tooth , step – I want to feel it all again, treasure it for a moment longer. I wish I knew it would feel like this.
I miss the time just me and them and being needed so much. Though at the time I just wanted a break and some silence, I would give anything for the days to be filled with hectic routines and infectious giggles again.
Then there are my fears and anxiety for how will they cope. What if it all gets a bit much? And they overwhelmed ? I’m not there with a cuddle and a tickle to make it OK again. What if someone is mean to them ? Or they find the big toilets scary? What if they didn’t like the school dinner option today and their little bellies rumbled all afternoon. Then the mum guilt rolls in because I can’t control all of this anymore and I so desperately want to.
For now I need to get over this loss , this void and practice some self care – be kind to myself. Allow myself to relax and watch ten episodes of sex and the city during the day eating my favourite box of chocolates if helps and fills that void for an hour then do it. I’m sure it will all get easier , it’s still early days so for now it’s only been a term with them both in big school I’ll take it all in and deal with it in my own way. Anyone else feel the same ?